Asshats Alert! @RJSt3rl1ng and Friends

Oh. my. god. If you constantly attack people on Twitter, and you tweet rude shit to them over and over and over again, they can hit this button marked “Spam,” and if enough people get tired of your asshole attitude, you will be temporarily denied tweeting abilities. #Federalistechochamber opposes this, because we believe we should be able to just act like dicks all the time to whomever, and they should have to take it. 

But in the event that one person gets together a bunch of sock accounts-something we would NEVER do ourselves-we at The Benches will be on the front lines exposing their accounts.  Because this is BIG news. It’s so enormous that we don’t need to write about anything else, like the tendency of Leftists to blow people up.  I mean, David Ayers, Brett Kimberlin, and organizations like the Weather Underground, these guys pale in comparison to the real evildoers like RJSt#rl1ng and his friends.  

In the event that we wind up having our tweeting abilities stripped from us by their concerted efforts to malign us as spammers when we dick around with them in Twitter wars, we will say that we have been placed in the Twitter Gulag, because our plight is comparable to that of Soviet dissidents who actually lost their goddamned freedom.  Wait. 

This is a list of the Twitter accounts used by RJ Sterling: 














You’re welcome for the groundbreaking reporting.  Like, totally.  Now we will impugn RJ’s ability to get laid by posting photos he took with his phone like the one below. 



Holy shit. We at The Benches are doing heroic battle with a guy who works in an Applebees kitchen and wears a Stormtrooper helmet.  We know we’ve been promising you a huge Rauhauser story, but this is what we’re fucking doing instead.  Because news and stuff. This is the evildoer.  An Applebees employee, people.  Your neighborhood bar and grill is a haven for leftists, people.  Leftists who get us thrown into Twitter gulag.  

That’s not all: we have a source on this guy. This source told us the following: 

But the most useful thing we actually learned, is that RJ is… how should I put this? Not that important, but still connected enough to do damage with TwitterGulag. He’s not like, Shoq’s right-hand woman or anything. But you can definitely tell that RJ idolizes Shoq. Also, RJ’s modest network of followers is very different than the top leftist’s. RJ is, quite simply, a fucking nerd. He’s an “election year radical”, if ya know what I mean. He doesn’t pound a consistent, unrelenting political message 24/7.

He mostly uses the internet to hit on 21 year-old girls (he’s like 45, btw)  by playing the “nice guy” card; and decrying the wickedness of ”the patriarchy”. He also is obsessed with aquarium fish, airplanes, flowers (yeah, fucking girly, I know), and above all: comics. So while RJ is extremely connected to the top brass over on the left, he uses social media to connect to thousands of disgruntled fellow virgins on a platform of mutual loserness. This is crucial: RJ is not important because he’s making decisions, or giving orders. He’s important because he relays and amplifies the words of shoq, subculture, lizardoid, etc. to the nerd community. He’s nothing but a lackey– but a lackey who uses whining victimhood to motivate his devoted followers (mostly ignorant young girls) to come to his rescue.

And like any good lackey, 48-year-old! (He lists his age as that on a MySpace account) RJ is skilled at the art of deception to do his masters bidding:

It’s also the way he trolls people that is highly suspicious, and could leave a lot of room for B/R attacks. He doesn’t actually confront people often. Or, he didn’t, before the gulag fiasco emboldenend him. No, RJ’s preferred (and cowardly) method of trolling is to scan through #tcot, looking for bios he doesn’t like. Then he posts screenshots (without @’ing the person) on his TL, with a whiny tirade about how terrible that person is for not believing in socialism. *snort* THAT is very suspicious as well. RJ knows that he can get in trouble by @’ing random people. A LOT of people have been trolled by one of RJ’s followers and then tracked it back to his TL. When people see that he screenshot their tweets/bio and mocked it to a bunch of people, they naturally tweet @ RJ, and tell him to fuck right off and stop being a little bitch. Then, of course, he blockreports them.

It’s absolutely baiting behavior.

Another thing you’ll catch him doing is including his other accounts in a tweet. When you hit the “reply all”… he reports you as an unsolicited mention from the 2nd account. It’s cheap bullshit, and RJ has TONS of accounts he uses only for trolling and spam reporting.     

There is a STRONG correlation between this guy screenshotting your tweets, and you going to the gulag within an hour.

So much win it hurts to be us.  We are totally awesome here at The Benches, and our role as the vanguard of the battle against Leftism is unquestionable. 







Brooks Drayne Says Goodbye

When confronted with a bully, the answer is not appeasement or to plead for civility.  It is simply to confront him with overwhelming force and aggression. This site was designed to do just that. In the past, I have made the mistake of showing restraint when someone on my own side uses the cover of our supposedly mutual beliefs to justify sniping at me and others.  I will not make that mistake again.

So far, I’ve been associated with three separate bullies. Brett Warren, aka @solaar on Twitter, came out on the losing end of our encounter. He was reduced to apologizing to Greg W. Howard by the end of the night and changing his profile photo to LEAVE ME ALONE in big red letters.

Neal Rauhauser’s attempt to malign me with my law school failed utterly. He’s now facing the prospect of warrants and an arrest for his $34,000 in unpaid child support and interest.  When all is said and done, Neal is going to go to jail, and the path will be cleared to make inroads into finding out who funded him, who gave him marching orders, and to what end they were working.

And now Brooks Bayne, the founder of the Trenches, has little if any credibility left with anyone after his conduct over the past two weeks on Twitter.  It is absolutely clear to anyone who watched his admissions last night that he lied about having emails implicating Breitbart writer Mandy Nagy in collusion with Neal Rauhauser.  He admitted as much, although his explanation was that his insinuations were disinformation. Since he tweeted that accusation publicly, he was engaged in a disinformation campaign of everyone who followed him in addition to me. I don’t really believe it was a disinformation campaign.  I believe Brooks is an ordinary liar and a mediocre writer.

He’s alienated anyone who might have come to his defense by attacking various people on Twitter, including Ali Akbar, Lee Stranahan, and countless others.  This is what happens to you when you lie.  This is what happens to you when you those you claim as your own as if they are not even worthy of basic human respect and courtesy.

The answer to such conduct is unyielding resolve and a determination to utterly destroy the person employing such methods.  Their reputation, their credibility, their methods, everything associated with them, all of it should be ripped apart and subjected to a ruthless truth campaign.  They don’t deserve mercy, because they showed no mercy when they falsely assailed their targets. Loyalty to conservatism, or libertarianism, or the mutual causes we claim cannot serve a shield to immunize them from culpability for their actions.

If anything, we must be more determined to stand up to our own when they lapse into such conduct than we are with the Left, because their actions can be used to discredit whatever it is we’re attempting to do. Those who claim the cause we share in order to justify their inexcusable conduct must be dealt with quickly, discredited, and quarantined.   We don’t have to be unethical.  All we have to do is use their own words or conduct to completely discredit them.

When you see one of our own engaged in online conduct that is unacceptable and a bad testament for our side, identify their conduct.  Alert others. Organize. Accrue the information necessary to deter them, and even to discredit them.  And then proceed to confront them with others.  If they won’t stop, proceed to to absolutely discredit them with their own behavior and actions.

The use of vulgarity like “cocksucker” and the sexually explicit language used to denigrate opponents by people like Brooks simply has no place on this side of the line.  It’s expected of the Left.  The last thing we wish to do is resemble those people.  We certainly owe no duty of loyalty to those who claim our side but cause it to lose credibility by engaging in such conduct online.

The time has come for all of us to set aside this false notion of loyalty we feel when one of our own starts to act like this.  They betray the interests we work to uphold when they use this language and these tactics.  The world we are working to establish, and the online culture we defend, are incompatible with the methods of the Left.  The ends do not justify the means, and we cannot afford to have people who believe that this is the case representing us online.  We are different, and we are better than the Left, and our reputation is everything when it comes to the credibility of what we uncover as regards Brett Kimberlin and Neal Rauhauser.  Do not give the Left ammunition in the form of threatening tweets, or by utilizing illegal tactics like hacking computers and email accounts.

We would be no better than they are if we allowed this to go on without opposing it because those responsible are ostensibly working for the goal we seek to achieve.  Our commitment is not to personalities, it is to uncovering the truth in a legal, decent, orderly, and ethical manner. When personalities emerge to erode that commitment by putting themselves above the commitment to take shortcuts, we owe them nothing.  They have betrayed the common values we share, and the integrity we defend.  When they attack our own kind, we cannot stand by and allow it to continue uncontested.  Take them out without hesitation or restraint.

As for the rest of you, take note.  Three times I’ve dealt with this.  And three times I’ve come out of it better for having been ethical and smart. Tell the truth. Do not harm to those who have not harmed you, and protect them and their confidentiality.  Be fair, even to your enemies on the Left.  Document the evidence for what you say, and have a reasonable basis for saying it if you don’t have out and out proof.  You will be tempted by your enemies, and sometimes by your friends, to engage in tactics that illegal and unethical to get to the destination you seek. If you do so, you will discredit and poison whatever information you uncover.  Do not give the Left the ammunition to change the narrative with the methods you employ.

Defend your own kind, and even your enemies if they are attacked with lies and unfounded insinuations.  Do not lose sight of the values instilled in you by your elders, because they define who you are and will serve to demonstrate the integrity of your efforts and the truth of your conclusions. One compromise of those values is all it takes to undo an entire reputation.  A bad reputation can undo a credible conclusion or result.

Defend the reputation of your effort and those associated with it from those within our ranks whose actions serve to discredit everything we do.  Go after those people, and fight them everywhere you meet them until they are discredited.  A reputation is worth fighting for, because the integrity of everything you find or document depends on that reputation.

Some of you might still disagree with what I did to Brooks, but the fact remains that Brooks can no longer be seen as a representative of anyone but Brooks at this point.  That is the point of everything I did.

I told the truth about his sloppy reporting, unethical methodology, and willingness to engage in abusive, threatening, and harassing rhetoric.  And the truth is always sufficient, so lying is unnecessary.

Never lose sight of that.  The truth is always sufficient.  Good luck, and goodbye.

Brooks Drayne

This site will stay up as a memorialization of Brooks’s conduct.  Remember it.

Jay Batman AKA Momus1978: “That Entire [Breitbart] Crew Is Going To Get Raked Over The Coals”

Oh. my. God.

For my definitive response to Jay Batman’s criticism of my crackerjack reporting, I will now present edited Direct Messages where Jay criticizes Breitbart and crew.  I will omit the part where I tell him that I have hacked emails showing collusion between Mandy Nagy and Neal Rauhauser, which is what led him to say “[t]hat entire [Breitbart] crew is going to get raked over the coals,” because that wouldn’t tie into my narrative of Jay assailing the good name of the recently deceased St. Andrew.

I won’t mention that one of my own writers recounted to Jay a story about meeting Andrew and seeing him high on drugs later on at a confab.  No, that won’t fit my narrative. Jay is a terrible person because he criticizes St. Andrew, and everyone knows you don’t speak ill of the dead, especially when the dead are saints like Andrew.

Never you mind that Jay criticized Andrew just after he died in an article he wrote, and he outlined the reasons why, including one encounter with Andrew on Twitter while Andrew was alive. I want this to seem like it just came out of the clear blue, because I want to engage in libelous writing so as to negate my own allegations that member of Breitbart’s team of reporters and bloggers were in cahoots with Neal Rauhauser.  I won’t mention that at least one of my other writers has made the same allegation outright in multiple conversations with multiple people, or that one of The Trenches “clients” that I ordered Lee Stranahan to dig a trench for has done the same thing.

No, I’ll leave that out.  Right now, the important thing is to lie, and lie big.  Maybe if I get people outraged about Jay’s criticism of Breitbart’s crew in Direct Messages where he really never once references St. Andy, it’ll outrage people and turn them against Jay. Maybe they’ll believe me when I say they were seeing things when they saw all those tweets I posted about hacked emails showing Mandy Nagy colluding with Neal Rauhauser.  I love St. Andrew too much to ever tweet something like that, because St. Andrew gives me absolution if I crassly exploit his memory and the goodwill it engenders to defame my enemies.

Why do I want to do this? Because my reputation is in tatters. I spent two weeks calling people names like cocksucker, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why anyone would have a problem with that.  I also revealed what a fake person I was when I took vicarious umbrage over the leftists referring to Ali as a faggot, even though I am clearly uncomfortable with the notion that gays have rights as gays to be gay or to get married.   I said so to Jay over the phone in our first conversation, and noted that we would have to agree to disagree because Jay stands for things like equality before the law for every U.S. citizen, even the gay ones.

I’m a disingenuous person.  I’ve been evicted twice, I may even have some arrests and convictions in my past, and I’m now reborn as a right wing warrior for federalism. You know why? Because there’s an audience I can pander to in order to make a name for myself.  I never really articulate anything to do with federalism in my writing, I just claim it because it flows really good with fist: federalist fist.

Jay had the nerve to criticize my post title for asserting that Neal Rauhauser claimed to have access to national security secrets when the body of that post presented no proof that Neal claimed any such thing.  In fact, my post presented a theory about Neal’s work with 700+ congressional aides that was patently false, one that I could have corrected had I merely bothered to google Neal’s name and look into his work with Progressive Congress News, where he says he’s creating software to aggregate news for progressives and blast that news out over Twitter and via Salsa.

Why did I not perform the due diligence to avoid such an embarrassment?  Because I think my readers are stupid, and willing to believe whatever I write about the left.  They don’t care about things like honesty, integrity, and fairness in my reporting.  They just want to see Neal get slammed, even if I have lie about him to do it.

I’m a fraud, which is what I accused Lee Stranahan of being when I maligned him for resigning the Trenches over my reckless tweet saying I supported violence and owned a weapon to a known Rauhauser sock account. That was stupid of me, but so much is. I’m fetal alcohol syndrome all grown up, and the results aren’t pretty.

I will now realize that this post will get exactly one comment from a convicted drunk driver and porn site moderator who has been accused of harassing women online.  No one will really tweet it or disseminate it on my behalf because my reputation is so bad and no one really believes that I’m presenting the entirety of those DMs.  I have no credibility left with anyone besides a loyal drunk driver and porn site moderator. My life is sad.

Maybe ZAPEM will help me do some of her super duper research on Jay where she takes screenshots of things he’s written and presents it as “original research.”  It will be cutting edge, and really help to discredit Jay.  My drunk driver porn site moderator will comment and go “derp,” which is exactly what most people said when they heard his explanation for how he came into advance knowledge of Weiner’s sex scandal three weeks before it happened via an anonymous guy named Wolfe.

I will feel vindicated by the one comment he leaves. I will delete any comment left by Jay Batman, because I don’t want to be called out on my own site and I’m not enough of a man to respond back to him.  I don’t know how to deal with Jay. He isn’t deterred by my name-calling.  He doesn’t back down when I defame him as a plagiarist. And when I insinuate things, he doesn’t get all upset and spew about it, he just tells me to present the proof for what I am saying.

I can’t because all I’m doing is crying wolfe.  That’s all I do, all the time. The Benches will continue to be the site that reports the news that isn’t the news better than anyone else, and I will cry wolfe about Neal Rauhauser having access to national security information by misrepresenting things in my reporting.  This will incite fear and drive traffic to my site.  Maybe I can overcome the damage done by Jay Batman’s parody site by manufacturing fear like the left always does!



BREAKING: Neal Rauhauser Admits Having Access To National Security Information

Editor’s Note: This story is developing and will be updated with more details as they come in. Stay tuned to The Benches for the latest news in the Rauhauser saga. 

As mentioned by one of our sources, Neal hasn’t been around much since a certain Anonymous member’s name was in the public eye a couple of weeks ago. Unless of course you count showing up to court hearings in Maryland multiple times as being around, which we at The Benches do not.  We see Neal’s presence in a public place as evidence that he has gone deep underground, because we are schooled in literary theories like deconstruction which enable us to see that people mean the opposite of their statements and actions. Neal coming out in public is Neal going into hiding.

Neal says that he’s been busy spying on Congress, which we believe despite Neal’s long history of lying about, well, everything.  For whom does Neal spy?  We’re working on that. For now, we’ll focus on Neal’s messages to our source Cream. The following exchange took place on April 9th, 2012:

Neal: “Keep in mind policy intel for 700+ Congressional staffers runs through a system I built and I back up the natsec editor. I hear stuff average bear does not.“

Cream: “Are you meant to?”

We will now cite the Constitution’s definition of treason because the above text message provides with a prima facie case for treason against the United States by Neal Rauhauser:

Treason against the United States shall consist only in levying War against them, or in adhering to their Enemies, giving them Aid and Comfort. No Person shall be convicted of Treason unless on the Testimony of two Witnesses to the same overt Act, or on Confession in open Court. The Congress shall have Power to declare the Punishment of Treason, but no Attainder of Treason shall work Corruption of Blood, or Forfeiture except during the Life of the Person attainted.

What sort of system did Neal build for these 700+ Congressional staffers, and who is he referring to when he mentions the natsec editor?  We do not know here at The Benches, but our title clearly states a conclusion we do not support within the body of the story.  Here’s an online forum post mentioning Twitter API and technical problems Neal is having with his system:

From: neal rauhauser
Date: September 1, 2011 23:05
Subject: Serious ExtUtils::MakeMaker bug in 6.58 & 6.59
Message ID:


I use a module called Net::Twitter and it depends on ExtUtils::MakeMaker. I typically run on FreeBSD and I tried this on OpenBSD, too. An ‘install Net::Twitter’ consistently hangs on the creation of MakeMaker.

I have updated CPAN, tried to ‘install ExtUtils::MakeMaker’, and tried to build it using /usr/ports/devel/p5-ExtUtils-MakeMaker. All of them on FreeBSD 6.4, 8.2, and OpenBSD 4.9 fail in a similar fashion, hanging on test 3 of 20 in t/INSTALL_BASE.t

I have Googled a bit and I am not the only one reporting this trouble – is there something else I would need to do beyond this in order to help hunt down this bug? I am moving Friday, but this is getting urgent for me – got a system that 700 Congressional staffers use that depend on this, we’re losing our hosting soon, and I can’t install at a new location

Looks like we can gloat that Mr. Technology is having trouble with his system and make remarks about him outsourcing it to Sweden, Iceland, or Ecuador because those countries are friendly to Wikileaks like operations seeking web hosting.  See what we did there? We insinuated that a system used by 700+ congressional aides is akin or analogous to Wikileaks to drive home the sinister potential of Neal’s system.

This is what passes for reporting at The Benches, because I’m Brooks Drayne and I have such high standards.  Now, if I were Jay Batman, I might look into the above referenced system and realize that it’s the same system Neal built at Progressive Congress News to blast relevant news reports in organized feeds to aides for progressive congressmen.  I might do this, and it would be easy to do, but it would ruin the narrative I’m trying to put forth that a left wing activist is just inches away from triggering a nuclear holocaust or gaining access to secrets with Top Secret classification.

My reckless insinuations might be unfair, and the conclusions I generate might be utterly without foundation, but they serve the purpose of getting traffic to my site, and that’s what this entire cause is all about, right? Getting traffic to my site.  You will notice if you click the link above that it takes you to a page where PCN solicits news stories and says that it has-wait the fuck for it-editors.  Maybe one of those editors is a natsec editor!

And maybe Neal is engaging the kind of puffery he is known for engaging in to inflate his importance and his role,  like he did when he showed up for a local appearance of Charles Grassley to solicit federal subsidies for his big time super duper wind powered ammonia plant that never happened.  He was part of the Stranded Wind Initiative, and not a member of or principal in the company that would actually do the construction and management of the plant!

And given that Progressive Congress News has already been referenced by Crying Wolfe Blog, Bad Journalist, and Robert Stacy McCain, it is inexcusable that we at The Benches couldn’t draw this very reasonable conclusion from the information we received from our super duper covert operative informant that we’ll call CREAM.  Oh, and look at this over at Open Left, where it says that National Security is one of the subjects covered by Progressive Congress News!

So, there are two options: either I, Brooks Drayne, am too incompetent to go out and research these easy to find items in order to provide a more likely narrative that Neal is communicating with CREAM about a news blasting service he designed for congressional staffers; or I am willfully looking the other way to promote what I know is a false narrative from this evidence that Neal Rauhauser has access to national security information and is admitting it in his communication to my super duper covert operative informant CREAM.

Either way, it doesn’t look too good for me, my credibility, or the credibility of The Benches, does it?  It actually looks like fearmongering, and as if I think the ends justify the means because Neal Rauhauser is a leftist and to beat the Left you have to be the Left, right?  Right.

This is a developing story, and we will continue to make specious insinuations and spurious accusations that aren’t even remotely supported by the very evidence we reference in future stories. Here at The Benches, we cover the news that isn’t the news better than anybody else! 

The Chronicles of Strandedhan: Part 1 of n – Trenchergate

Brooks Drayne, Owner, Founder, Lord and Master of the Trenches

This first act is about a blogger, Strandedhan, and his integrity, with a small appearance by his sidekick, Barby. As with any job, journalists have a code of ethics and contractual agreements. That code of ethics includes adhering to a rigorous loyalty to requirement to me, Brooks Drayne, Lord of the Flies and Emperor of Online Journalists. This means that when I tell you not to talk to my contact, you will obey me because my contact is my contact alone.  All your sources is mine. All my sources is mine.  Do as I says. Your name is Toby. No matter what I do, and no matter how offensive my online conduct becomes, you may never question me or associate with the people I target.  If you do, you are a leftist and you must be destroyed. If they tweet you, it is your fault. You enticed them with your super mind powers and telepathically solicited them to tweet you because you are a left wing operator.

However, Strandedhan thinks that rules don’t apply to him, because he is an artiste! It’s this attitude that gets our comic in this series into trouble.  I will now insinuate that he has no teeth because of an incident with prostitute because Lee used to be an erotic photographer. I will hope that no one knows that I used to be a deadbeat who didn’t meet his financial obligations and wound up evicted as a result. Twice.

Lee used to be in the employ of Andrew Breitbart, a saint of our movement who know one should ever dare to speak evil of because he is a saint who is dead. However, Andrew’s sainthood does not immunize the infiltrators within our midst like Strandedhan and Mandy Nagy, whose hacked emails the Benches have in our possession. They show Mandy Nagy colluding with the leftist Neal Rauhauser, but we can’t publish these emails because our timeline would be disrupted. However, we will continually allude to the emails we aren’t showing anyone that we say show Mandy Nagy colluding with Neal Rauhauser.

If you question us on this, we will say things like “It will all make sense once you see why we are being attacked for” to excuse away our failure to present proof of the insinuations and smears we’ve been making towards Mandy Nagy for weeks.  Our writers will believe that this suffices as an explanation for our failure to present the emails we say that we have, because we select only the finest in mentally defectives to write for us so we won’t have to deal with our employees questioning the obviously idiotic logic we use to explain what we’re doing and what we’re not doing.

There are things we know, and things we don’t know, and there are things we know we don’t know and thing we don’t know that we don’t know, the known unknowns and the unknown unknowns. Conversely, there are the things we know we know and thing we don’t know that we do known, the known knowns and the unknown knowns.  George Soros is responsible for everything on the left because he funds it, and Van Jones is a neo-Marxist.

However, some of our employees are starting to realize that our logic and practices aren’t okay and don’t make sense, so we will have to purge our ranks to ensure that purity is restored.  Matt Hogan, you know what happened to Leon Trotsky, don’t you?  Stevie, you can be the Bhutto of our caliphate.

Enter Brutus, the Boor, or me or the super secret shadowy benefactors who fund me. I offered Strandedhan gainful employment, and he gleefully accepted because he was tired of his new bosses after Andrew Breitbart’s death. I present no evidence to substantiate any of this in the form of screenshots, documents, emails, etceteras. This is odd, because I have been known to do so in the past.  I will simply make the accusation that Strandedhan was double-dipping at the Benches without a shred of documentary evidence to substantiate my insinuations. This is consistent with my past practices.

I have the proof. I swear. But my timeline prevents me from putting the proof up for everyone to see.

Strandedhan worked for six days, but he quit after I ordered him to dig a trench to protect clients Mike Stack, Greg W. Howard, and Michelle ZAPEM.  It is odd that a site covering news would refer to three people at the core of the stories as clients rather than subjects. It implies that my interest is not objective, or impartial.  It implies a relationship between this site and the three aforementioned people that is centered on something other than documenting and writing about the Left’s attacks on them.

And what do I mean by digging a trench?  I have previously alluded to my affiliation with hackers and other individuals who can and will access computers illegally, and my possession of hacked emails.  Is this what I meant?  I like to be cute with my choice of words and speak in code, but we all know what I mean and who I am.  Even if I never follow through on any of the insinuations or allusions to my super duper cyberwar capabilities, I get to puff up and look bigger than I really am.

And on the sixth day, Strandedhan, like God, quit.  On the seventh day he rested from his six days of absorbing my narcissistic abuse as his overlord and employer.  And then he showed the temerity to disagree with me, with my methods, and with the direction of my site. He even contacted a source that I told him not to contact, which is an indicator of his independent mind and stubborn refusal to respect my Author-uh-tah.

His friend thought he was “stupid as fuck” for quitting. Again, I do not present any documentary proof to substantiate this allegation.  My timeline prevents me from doing so. It will all make sense when you see why they are attacking us for.  Strandedhan was instructed to stand down with any sources or material acquired while in my employ, but he refused to do so. He had contractual obligations to do so. Again, I present no documentation to substantiate my statements.  My timeline prevents me from doing so. It will all make sense when you why they are attacking us for.

There were fifty dollar dinners in Vegas and park benches in Strandedhan’s future, but we’ll get to that in later acts because this series is more important than reporting emails proving collusion between Mandy Nagy and Neal Rauhauser.  These sorts of inside joke posts are more relevant than chasing down Neal Rauhauser’s possible involvement with SWATting, because I have a pathological need to pick fights and stir drama up as part of my commitment to journalistic ethics and integrity.

All you cocksuckers should just bow down to my authority and accept my rightful position as the head of the movement to bust the SWATter.  If you do not, you are inviting the wrath of my considerable legion of hackers and writers and online associates to fall about your head, neck, and shoulders.  I assure you, my delusions of grandeur are real.

The below images show that Strandedhan contacted Randy behind my back.  This proves that he is in violation of our contract which I am not showing you because of my timeline even though I swear it exists and is real and stuff. Strandedhan is a leftist because leftists break their contracts and he broke his contract so that makes him a leftist.  My circular reasoning is my strength, and renders me a tall and immovable pillar among men.


———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Lee Stranahan <>
Date: Wed, Jun 6, 2012 at 6:47 PM
Subject: Re: Source and data
To: Brooks Bayne <>
Cc: Brandon Darby <>

Of course – your story. Let me know if you need anything.

Sent from my iPhone

On Jun 6, 2012, at 8:27 PM, Brooks Bayne <> wrote:> Lee,
> We’ll be handling the story with regard to Randy Hahn et al. Stand down with the recorded phone call and the other information I forwarded to you. I’ll be taking the lead with my sources moving forward as well.
> Good luck!
> Regards,
> Brooks


Hully Gee, Strandedhan!

Come back soon for the next act in “The Chronicles of Strandedhan”!
(A Brutus Production 2012)


Bradley S Rees Speaks: It Will All Make More Sense!


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Hello. I am Bradley S. Rees.  I’d like to take a moment to repeat one thing like a mantra: it will all make more sense when you see why we are being attacked for. I’ll avoid explaining the basic problems within my own syntax, and begin making vague insinuations that I have something momentous without explaining why that something momentous doesn’t trump groundbreaking exposes such as “Matt Edelstein Knows Van Jones,” or “Matt Edelstein tried to catch a spy in Stop Rush,” and “The Chronicles of Strandedhand-Trenchergate.”

Because if Brooks Drayne really does have hacked emails showing collusion and collaboration between a Breitbart employee and Neal Rauhauser, that is less of a story than Brooks’s bitch-fest over Lee Stranahan, whom he insists is a “liar, fraud, and leftist,” even though Brooks never presents anything to substantiate his allegations with the exception of an email by Lee saying he won’t talk to somebody before he talks to somebody without Brooks’s permission. Here at The Benches, we have to avert our eyes when Brooks is around, because he is the mighty alpha silverback and we are all his betas.  He tells us who we may talk to and chastises us via Direct Message on Twitter if we do not comply.  If that does not work, he sends Michelle to accuse us of plagiarizing her research dossier to delegitimize us in front of everyone on Twitter.

Only it doesn’t work, because Mr. Federalist Fist, aka Brooks Drayne, spends most of his time on Twitter calling people names like cocksucker, so whoever he really hates tends to get followers quicker.  I wish someone else were my father on the Benches. The Matriarchy tried to tell Brooks he was being an abusive horse’s ass and even included a picture of a horse’s ass, and she told him she would have eaten him for his behavior this past week, but Brooks just said the Patriarchy was amused because she scolded him on his own site.  He also said he likes being eaten to other people and snickered at the sexual connotation, because he is clever and twelve years old like that.

The Benches would be nothing without Brooks and his cutting edge reporting insinuating a causal link between SWATting and smoking out a Stop Rush infiltrator. When we went to online journalist boot camp for the Benches, we learned that the most important part of online journalism was making an insinuation if you couldn’t substantiate your allegation with documents proving what you were saying. This way, we can get the federal government to investigate what we insinuate!

It will all make more sense when you see why we are being attacked for.  Just like it made more sense when you saw why Dan Wolfe was being attacked for when he sent the Smoking Gun emails talking about his personal problems so that the Smoking Gun could make those problems the story rather than what Anthony Weiner did.  Anthony Weiner is an evil and malevolent genius who got the media to focus on Dan Wolfe instead of his own penis picture.  Dan Wolfe’s own email to a left wing media site outlining his custody battle and ex-girlfriend problems had nothing to do with the focus on Dan Wolfe.  It was all a big liberal left wing media conspiracy.

It all made even more sense why Mike Stack was being attacked for when you saw the media attack Mike Stack because he had accused Anthony Weiner.  I mean, there was no need to understand who Mike Stack was, because his prior arrest and conviction for driving while intoxicated has no bearing on his credibility. Neither does the fact that he was arrested for a domestic incident, because that was all dismissed.  The fact that Mike Stack worked for a porn site and self-identified as a pervert and Antichrist had nothing to do with anything. The media was just determined to let Anthony Weiner off the hook by attacking his accusers with vicious examinations of the truth in their backgrounds, like evictions and porn site moderator jobs and the fact that they had tax liens.  It all made even more sense why Weiner’s accusers were being attacked for when you saw that they drove intoxicated, self-identified as perverts, didn’t pay taxes, and got evicted and foreclosed on, and ranted about having people working for them and a background in information security and computers.   Because saying you can come after somebody online with your skill set does not sound at all like you can hack a computer or a social networking account in order to plant a post.  It all made more sense when you say why Mike Stack was attacked for, especially when you heard his side of the story about some guy whose real name he didn’t know and who he had never met personally asking him to tweet a sex scandal congressman tweet so that the guy could then retweet it.

It will all make more sense when you see why we are being attacked for, because we are going to blow the lid off of this entire Soros-funded operation by referencing face dildo suckers in one post after another.  Because when Woodward and Bernstein brought down the Nixon Administration, they did so by referencing Maureen Dean’s links to a brothel and the face dildo sucking that took place there.  Face dildo sucking is funny, and more importantly it is important to understanding why George Soros is behind the SWATtings.  That is why we must mention face dildo sucking here at the Benches over and over again.

If you are attacking our efforts to lay bare the face dildo sucking leftist conspiracy at the heart of everything in American politics, you have too much free time on your hands. You should spend that time joining us in talking about face dildo sucking and going online to call people cocksuckers and other such names.  That way, you can be part of the only REAL right-wing effort to bring down the Left.  It will all make more sense when you see why we are being attacked for. Brooks says it will, and I believe him.


A Word from Brooks Drayne: People I Hate

I hate J.S. Trevino because he is the unrequited love of my life. I never moved beyond the playground style of wooing, and when I insult someone to no end, it is only because I secretly love them.  I have been bitterly disappointed by my Twitter paramours J.S. Trevino and Lee Stranahan, because neither one could discern my true (and quite obvious) intentions.

Lee was an erotic photographer before he became a former leftist, and I was hoping he would take erotic photographs of me that Mike Stack could then moderate the comments on on his porn site.  That is not going to happen now, and I can only blame the leftist in Lee for choosing his wife and seven kids over me.

He is clearly a leftist for not wanting a piece of this.

I hate Jay Batman because he didn’t stop talking to Lee when I told him to stop talking to Lee. Because of this, I re-tweeted a false accusation of plagiarism by Michelle to let him know that I meant business about controlling the people he communicated with online.  It did not work, so I sent Patrick to accuse him of mis-representing Nancy Nogg’s true state on Twitter, because he should have reported on Nancy Nogg for hiring a band of Australian hackers to harass Tea Party supporters on Twitter. Wait. Actually, I am wrong about that. Nancy Nogg had nothing to do with that, and it would probably be irrelevant to report on her.

But still, because Jay Batman did not do what I wanted him to do, and I am his Lord and Master as the owner of The Benches and the one true right wing voice of Twitter, he will suffer greatly for his impudence.  I will impugn his reputation to no end from here on out.  I will sic the Jester on his site Screed of Momus for a black hat hacking job, because Jester the hacker is my friend and loyal vassal and he does what I say.  Fear me.

Ali Ackbar is someone I hate because he didn’t agree with my insulting people on Twitter and calling them names like cocksucker.  This is America. I have free speech. The whole point of free speech is to be able to defame and insult people in the most juvenile manner imaginable.  It’s the free market, man.

Ali is probably a communist.

I will keep up the fight against the Left from The Benches, and I will only care about my own personality and the control I can exert over others and who they associate with to demonstrate their slavish loyalty to me.


Profiles in The Benches’ Elite: ZAPEM

Hi, I’m Michelle, and you know me on Twitter as @ZAPEM.  If you’ve reported, blogged, written, or said anything about Neal Rauhauser without first attributing it to me, you’re a plagiarist and a phony. That is because I am the only person whose research on Neal Rauhauser matters.  No one could possibly go and look anything up on the Internet that I didn’t look up first.

My research is original to me.  My original research consists of screenshots of what other people wrote, but I routinely accuse other people of plagiarism and ripping my work product off without a hint of irony.  This is because I had a frontal lobotomy when I was a teenager to help with my mood swings, and I consequently cannot comprehend the concept of irony.  Also, my lobotomy didn’t do a damn thing for my mood swings.

Brooks Drayne hired me to write for The Benches because I have all the research in the world on Neal Rauhauser. I wrote a 30 page dossier on Neal Rauhauser that is the Bible of Neal.  Everything that could ever be known about Neal is in my dossier, and nowhere else.  If you want to know the consistency of Neal’s bowel movements in 1995, refer to my dossier.  It’s in very small print so I could fit everything in to it.

I am retired from researching, because my life now consists of finding people who mention Neal on Twitter so I can berate them to no end for ripping off my original research which consists of screenshots of what other people wrote. But it’s still original to me no matter what those evil leftists say. I am very stressed out from all of their attacks.  Sometimes I snap at my reflection in the mirror for no reason because I think that bitch is plagiarizing me, and then I realize that she is me.  It is all very confusing to me.

I did all of this original research by screenshotting what other people wrote, and now people are ripping me off? It’s so unfair, but I expect unfairness and underhandedness from the Left.  They are so evil.  I don’t understand why they would be so upset with me for constantly haranguing them on Twitter and Facebook, and for screenshotting every single tweet they ever tweeted, and every single comment they ever made on the Internet.

I thank the Lord every day that I met Brooks Drayne, and that he gave me a place where my original screenshots of other peoples’ writing can receive the prominence and respect it deserves. I look forward to defending the Constitution, the free market, and assailing the Left from the Benches.

StopRush’s Own Illegally Recorded Phone Call Exposes OFA, Soros, Van Jones, and 500 Automated Twitter Accounts

Matt Edelstein has stepped in his shit laden cat litter this time, but then again, he always does.  This time is no different from any other time.  It appears that someone infiltrated his Stop Rush group under false pretenses. We at The Benches are absolutely appalled at the fact that Matt Edelstein tried to smoke out the person who infiltrated his Stop Rush group. We feel that this is a major development, because people who start groups to boycott celebrities don’t have a problem with being sabotaged by one of their own members unless they’re up to something like boycotting a celebrity, which is, like, totally fucking legal and shit even though it shouldn’t be.

Edelstein thought he would outsmart the infiltrator and record the calls that these excerpts were taken from.  We won’t release the calls in their entirety because we only want to excerpt those parts of the calls that make it seem as though Matt is a total d-bag for wanting to bust a guy who fraudulently infiltrated his Stop Rush boycott effort.  We cannot comprehend why he would want to do something like that, because our cognitive abilities are severely impaired.  Our mothers drank to cope with us while we were in their uteruses, because we were a pain in the ass even back then.

Anyway, so Matt was involved in a Stop Rush boycott, which was totally legal and stuff, and this guy named Randy infiltrated it.  Matt recorded Randy on the phone, which is a problem because if Matt was in Florida when he did so, then his actions were illegal because Florida is a two party state.  However, we have no proof that Matt was in Florida when he recorded the call.  We’ll just insinuate that he was and hope that he was and hope that our unproven allegation will be enough to make the Florida authorities go after Matt Edelstein.  If they don’t, we’ll chalk it up to some grand conspiracy about George Soros and Van Jones having undue influence over Florida law enforcement.  But anyway.

We don’t know Randy, but we’ve been been told he claims to be a “Blue Dog” Democrat who doesn’t like leftists like Matt Edelstein and his neo-Marxist proletarians.  See, when we call people proletarians, we want you to know we view them as communists. We don’t actually understand that the word proletariat refers to the working people, which makes our use of it to reference MSNBC contributors and media types who’ve never really done actual hard labor a day in their goddamned lives a bit ridiculous.  However, accuracy in word usage, much like accuracy in reporting, is no concern of this website.  To beat the leftists, you have to be like the leftists, and leftists use big words like proletariat so we have to as well.  Oh, and they put neo- in front of other words to connote that their usage refers to a new or revived form of whatever it is they’re referencing.

Now, the flunkies in Edelstein’s group, which includes Neal Rauhauser because we say it does, have put out a burn notice on Randy.  Like, that doesn’t mean an actual burn notice as in they’re going to kill him, but it does mean that they’re going to expose him as a guy who lies to get inside of groups in order to subvert and undermine their efforts.  Again, we don’t know why they would resent him for doing so.  It’s just one of life’s great mysteries as to why people don’t want spies and infiltrators in their group.  Here at the Benches, we welcome spies and infiltrators because we are spies and infiltrators ourselves.  Super Top Secret spies and infiltrators, to be more accurate.

Notice how they lumped Ali Ackbar into their burn notice about Randy: “People on Twitter are saying he might be connected to the fraudulent felon faggot, @Ali Akbar and his wingnut circlejerk, the National Blogger’s Club @NatlBloggers. Prove this … For Great Justice.” Now, even though I’m against gay marriage and sound all squeamish when anyone brings it up, I’m going to go out and take vicarious offense on behalf of the gay/bisexual guy, because I do fake moral outrage like nobody else.

I am Brooks Drayne’s total lack of shame.  Soon after I write this, I will begin referring to people on Twitter as cocksuckers.  My heart is indeed blacker than this bold print.  

You can see Neal Rauhauser’s telltale indentations in the beginnings of the burn notice. (We will be exposing this indentations in an upcoming piece, because here at the Benches, we believe telltale indentations are significant).  This is what is known in our business as tipping your hand.

Edelstein and his friends have attempted to create the appearance of a groundswell by using hundreds of fake Twitter accounts to target Rush’s advertisers. Considering that this isn’t illegal, but merely a violation of Twitter’s TOS, we will now encourage federal law enforcement to get involved because people got SWATted, even though we have no proof that Stop Rush is even remotely related to SWATting.  We will simply insinuate a link, by putting Stop Rush in the same paragraph with the SWATting incident, and if anyone calls us on our insinuation, we will insinuate that they are a leftist or a commie or a Soros funded spy front.

And if federal law enforcement does not bother to respond to our obvious journalistic tour de force, we will insinuate that they are corrupt and owned by the left wing.  Obviously. They would have to be, because you cannot dispute that our reporting here at the Benches is top notch.  I mean, when you put Stop Rush in the same paragraph with a SWATting mention, that’s tantamount to proving a causal link.

But that’s not all that we have: we know that Matt Edelstein, aka Shoq on Twitter aka The Unholy Prince of the Ninth Circle of Hell and the Left Hand Path aka that Jewish fucker in Florida that Brooks hates but cannot have Anti-Semitic grounds for hating because Brooks himself is an ethnic Jew, knows Van Jones, and obviously anyone who knows Van Jones is a terrible person.  If you’ve ever sat and watched Van Jones do a televised interview, you might be a neo-Marxist proletarian.

Sources we do not name have reported that Matt likes to brag about how he can pick up the phone to call Van Jones or the head of the OFA.  This is clearly evidence that the cabal of leftist kooks goes all the way to White House when it comes to the Stop Rush boycott and the SWATtings, because we have now put the Stop Rush Boycott, the SWATtings, former White House employee Van Jones, and the White House in the same piece. This proves the White House was involved.  President Obama is probably the SWATter.  Don’t believe us? Make him prove otherwise. Our reporting is impeccable, obviously.

Matt Edelstein does not like his employees or associates to reference George Soros or Saul Alinsky because that makes them look like Soros plants or “nutty.”  Good call, Matt.

I will now make inside jokes about Edelstein and how he hates Michelle Malkin and dogs women behind their backs.  Ahem…Laffy…

See, when I type an ellipsis, that makes it so much more potent.

I will now report that Matt Edelstein uses plant names and alleges that Matt Edelstein is not Matt Edelstein’s real name, and refer to Krystal Ball as the face dildo sucker to neutralize any attempt to characterize her as a serious commentator. Everyone knows that people who go to private parties cannot be intelligent if they suck a dildo on someone else’s face, because face dildo sucking completely negates anything that a person who sucks face dildos has said, is saying, or ever will say.

I am not juvenile at all.  This is serious business we’re up to over at the Benches, and we take our serious business seriously.  

I will now reference Gila Jones, who came from Texas oil money and  ran for office in California as a Democrat, because rich people who associate with Marxists are golden for sites like mine.  It makes a boycott of Rush Limbaugh seem even more nefarious and conspiracy-cy.  Again, I will make insinuations that a woman who gets upset with Rush Limbaugh for calling another woman a slut, and suggesting that she record her sex life to pay for birth control, is nothing more than a Marxist bitch.  She could not possibly just be pissed off that in the 21st century, a man on the radio is calling women sluts if they want their insurers, whose services they pay for in premiums, to cover items like birth control that they actually use.

Seriously. Anyone who has a problem with Rush Limbaugh and would consider boycotting him for his statements is anti free speech. They hate the First Amendment by expressing their sentiments via exercising the First Amendment with…a boycott.

Never you mind that Rush has a problem with the basic model of insurance, where costs and risks are spread out over a pool. When Rush had back problems due to his enormous potbelly, he asked women in his own insurance pool to share the cost of fixing his back and his subsequent addiction to painkillers, not to mention his rehabilitation.  Rush doesn’t see the cognitive dissonance of his argument that women who expect other men in their insurance pool to share the cost of their birth control are nuts and sluts, even as he has passed the buck for his own treatment to women in his insurance pool.

Neither does anyone at the Benches.  We support Rush Limbaugh’s First Amendment right to call women who use birth control sluts, and to suggest that they record their sex lives for his gratification in order to raise funds to pay for their birth control, because women who want their birth control paid for in part by their insurance premiums should instead have to choose a life as a pornographic actress to pay for birth control.  America, Benches-style.

Something about Soros and Van Jones and SWATting, because we have now gone far off topic.  Neo-Marxist proletarians.  Constitution good, boycott bad.

Tune in next time for our ground breaking expose on The Women in Neal Rauhauser’s Life.  Oh, and at some point we’ll get around to publishing Mandy Nagy’s hacked emails exposing her dark and nefarious collusion with Neal Rauhauser, but we can’t right now because we have our own timeline.  We have to focus on Matt Edelstein having a problem with an infiltrator of his Stop Rush boycott, and his 500 sock accounts, because that’s a more relevant story than a Breitbart writer colluding with Neal Rauhauser. Trust us. We report the news that isn’t news better than any other site.

Dooby dooby do, Soros where are you?