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Hello. I am Bradley S. Rees.  I’d like to take a moment to repeat one thing like a mantra: it will all make more sense when you see why we are being attacked for. I’ll avoid explaining the basic problems within my own syntax, and begin making vague insinuations that I have something momentous without explaining why that something momentous doesn’t trump groundbreaking exposes such as “Matt Edelstein Knows Van Jones,” or “Matt Edelstein tried to catch a spy in Stop Rush,” and “The Chronicles of Strandedhand-Trenchergate.”

Because if Brooks Drayne really does have hacked emails showing collusion and collaboration between a Breitbart employee and Neal Rauhauser, that is less of a story than Brooks’s bitch-fest over Lee Stranahan, whom he insists is a “liar, fraud, and leftist,” even though Brooks never presents anything to substantiate his allegations with the exception of an email by Lee saying he won’t talk to somebody before he talks to somebody without Brooks’s permission. Here at The Benches, we have to avert our eyes when Brooks is around, because he is the mighty alpha silverback and we are all his betas.  He tells us who we may talk to and chastises us via Direct Message on Twitter if we do not comply.  If that does not work, he sends Michelle to accuse us of plagiarizing her research dossier to delegitimize us in front of everyone on Twitter.

Only it doesn’t work, because Mr. Federalist Fist, aka Brooks Drayne, spends most of his time on Twitter calling people names like cocksucker, so whoever he really hates tends to get followers quicker.  I wish someone else were my father on the Benches. The Matriarchy tried to tell Brooks he was being an abusive horse’s ass and even included a picture of a horse’s ass, and she told him she would have eaten him for his behavior this past week, but Brooks just said the Patriarchy was amused because she scolded him on his own site.  He also said he likes being eaten to other people and snickered at the sexual connotation, because he is clever and twelve years old like that.

The Benches would be nothing without Brooks and his cutting edge reporting insinuating a causal link between SWATting and smoking out a Stop Rush infiltrator. When we went to online journalist boot camp for the Benches, we learned that the most important part of online journalism was making an insinuation if you couldn’t substantiate your allegation with documents proving what you were saying. This way, we can get the federal government to investigate what we insinuate!

It will all make more sense when you see why we are being attacked for.  Just like it made more sense when you saw why Dan Wolfe was being attacked for when he sent the Smoking Gun emails talking about his personal problems so that the Smoking Gun could make those problems the story rather than what Anthony Weiner did.  Anthony Weiner is an evil and malevolent genius who got the media to focus on Dan Wolfe instead of his own penis picture.  Dan Wolfe’s own email to a left wing media site outlining his custody battle and ex-girlfriend problems had nothing to do with the focus on Dan Wolfe.  It was all a big liberal left wing media conspiracy.

It all made even more sense why Mike Stack was being attacked for when you saw the media attack Mike Stack because he had accused Anthony Weiner.  I mean, there was no need to understand who Mike Stack was, because his prior arrest and conviction for driving while intoxicated has no bearing on his credibility. Neither does the fact that he was arrested for a domestic incident, because that was all dismissed.  The fact that Mike Stack worked for a porn site and self-identified as a pervert and Antichrist had nothing to do with anything. The media was just determined to let Anthony Weiner off the hook by attacking his accusers with vicious examinations of the truth in their backgrounds, like evictions and porn site moderator jobs and the fact that they had tax liens.  It all made even more sense why Weiner’s accusers were being attacked for when you saw that they drove intoxicated, self-identified as perverts, didn’t pay taxes, and got evicted and foreclosed on, and ranted about having people working for them and a background in information security and computers.   Because saying you can come after somebody online with your skill set does not sound at all like you can hack a computer or a social networking account in order to plant a post.  It all made more sense when you say why Mike Stack was attacked for, especially when you heard his side of the story about some guy whose real name he didn’t know and who he had never met personally asking him to tweet a sex scandal congressman tweet so that the guy could then retweet it.

It will all make more sense when you see why we are being attacked for, because we are going to blow the lid off of this entire Soros-funded operation by referencing face dildo suckers in one post after another.  Because when Woodward and Bernstein brought down the Nixon Administration, they did so by referencing Maureen Dean’s links to a brothel and the face dildo sucking that took place there.  Face dildo sucking is funny, and more importantly it is important to understanding why George Soros is behind the SWATtings.  That is why we must mention face dildo sucking here at the Benches over and over again.

If you are attacking our efforts to lay bare the face dildo sucking leftist conspiracy at the heart of everything in American politics, you have too much free time on your hands. You should spend that time joining us in talking about face dildo sucking and going online to call people cocksuckers and other such names.  That way, you can be part of the only REAL right-wing effort to bring down the Left.  It will all make more sense when you see why we are being attacked for. Brooks says it will, and I believe him.