Hi, I’m Michelle, and you know me on Twitter as @ZAPEM.  If you’ve reported, blogged, written, or said anything about Neal Rauhauser without first attributing it to me, you’re a plagiarist and a phony. That is because I am the only person whose research on Neal Rauhauser matters.  No one could possibly go and look anything up on the Internet that I didn’t look up first.

My research is original to me.  My original research consists of screenshots of what other people wrote, but I routinely accuse other people of plagiarism and ripping my work product off without a hint of irony.  This is because I had a frontal lobotomy when I was a teenager to help with my mood swings, and I consequently cannot comprehend the concept of irony.  Also, my lobotomy didn’t do a damn thing for my mood swings.

Brooks Drayne hired me to write for The Benches because I have all the research in the world on Neal Rauhauser. I wrote a 30 page dossier on Neal Rauhauser that is the Bible of Neal.  Everything that could ever be known about Neal is in my dossier, and nowhere else.  If you want to know the consistency of Neal’s bowel movements in 1995, refer to my dossier.  It’s in very small print so I could fit everything in to it.

I am retired from researching, because my life now consists of finding people who mention Neal on Twitter so I can berate them to no end for ripping off my original research which consists of screenshots of what other people wrote. But it’s still original to me no matter what those evil leftists say. I am very stressed out from all of their attacks.  Sometimes I snap at my reflection in the mirror for no reason because I think that bitch is plagiarizing me, and then I realize that she is me.  It is all very confusing to me.

I did all of this original research by screenshotting what other people wrote, and now people are ripping me off? It’s so unfair, but I expect unfairness and underhandedness from the Left.  They are so evil.  I don’t understand why they would be so upset with me for constantly haranguing them on Twitter and Facebook, and for screenshotting every single tweet they ever tweeted, and every single comment they ever made on the Internet.

I thank the Lord every day that I met Brooks Drayne, and that he gave me a place where my original screenshots of other peoples’ writing can receive the prominence and respect it deserves. I look forward to defending the Constitution, the free market, and assailing the Left from the Benches.