Matt Edelstein has stepped in his shit laden cat litter this time, but then again, he always does. This time is no different from any other time. It appears that someone infiltrated his Stop Rush group under false pretenses. We at The Benches are absolutely appalled at the fact that Matt Edelstein tried to smoke out the person who infiltrated his Stop Rush group. We feel that this is a major development, because people who start groups to boycott celebrities don’t have a problem with being sabotaged by one of their own members unless they’re up to something like boycotting a celebrity, which is, like, totally fucking legal and shit even though it shouldn’t be.
Edelstein thought he would outsmart the infiltrator and record the calls that these excerpts were taken from. We won’t release the calls in their entirety because we only want to excerpt those parts of the calls that make it seem as though Matt is a total d-bag for wanting to bust a guy who fraudulently infiltrated his Stop Rush boycott effort. We cannot comprehend why he would want to do something like that, because our cognitive abilities are severely impaired. Our mothers drank to cope with us while we were in their uteruses, because we were a pain in the ass even back then.
Anyway, so Matt was involved in a Stop Rush boycott, which was totally legal and stuff, and this guy named Randy infiltrated it. Matt recorded Randy on the phone, which is a problem because if Matt was in Florida when he did so, then his actions were illegal because Florida is a two party state. However, we have no proof that Matt was in Florida when he recorded the call. We’ll just insinuate that he was and hope that he was and hope that our unproven allegation will be enough to make the Florida authorities go after Matt Edelstein. If they don’t, we’ll chalk it up to some grand conspiracy about George Soros and Van Jones having undue influence over Florida law enforcement. But anyway.
We don’t know Randy, but we’ve been been told he claims to be a “Blue Dog” Democrat who doesn’t like leftists like Matt Edelstein and his neo-Marxist proletarians. See, when we call people proletarians, we want you to know we view them as communists. We don’t actually understand that the word proletariat refers to the working people, which makes our use of it to reference MSNBC contributors and media types who’ve never really done actual hard labor a day in their goddamned lives a bit ridiculous. However, accuracy in word usage, much like accuracy in reporting, is no concern of this website. To beat the leftists, you have to be like the leftists, and leftists use big words like proletariat so we have to as well. Oh, and they put neo- in front of other words to connote that their usage refers to a new or revived form of whatever it is they’re referencing.
Now, the flunkies in Edelstein’s group, which includes Neal Rauhauser because we say it does, have put out a burn notice on Randy. Like, that doesn’t mean an actual burn notice as in they’re going to kill him, but it does mean that they’re going to expose him as a guy who lies to get inside of groups in order to subvert and undermine their efforts. Again, we don’t know why they would resent him for doing so. It’s just one of life’s great mysteries as to why people don’t want spies and infiltrators in their group. Here at the Benches, we welcome spies and infiltrators because we are spies and infiltrators ourselves. Super Top Secret spies and infiltrators, to be more accurate.
Notice how they lumped Ali Ackbar into their burn notice about Randy: “People on Twitter are saying he might be connected to the fraudulent felon faggot, @Ali Akbar and his wingnut circlejerk, the National Blogger’s Club @NatlBloggers. Prove this … For Great Justice.” Now, even though I’m against gay marriage and sound all squeamish when anyone brings it up, I’m going to go out and take vicarious offense on behalf of the gay/bisexual guy, because I do fake moral outrage like nobody else.
I am Brooks Drayne’s total lack of shame. Soon after I write this, I will begin referring to people on Twitter as cocksuckers. My heart is indeed blacker than this bold print.
You can see Neal Rauhauser’s telltale indentations in the beginnings of the burn notice. (We will be exposing this indentations in an upcoming piece, because here at the Benches, we believe telltale indentations are significant). This is what is known in our business as tipping your hand.
Edelstein and his friends have attempted to create the appearance of a groundswell by using hundreds of fake Twitter accounts to target Rush’s advertisers. Considering that this isn’t illegal, but merely a violation of Twitter’s TOS, we will now encourage federal law enforcement to get involved because people got SWATted, even though we have no proof that Stop Rush is even remotely related to SWATting. We will simply insinuate a link, by putting Stop Rush in the same paragraph with the SWATting incident, and if anyone calls us on our insinuation, we will insinuate that they are a leftist or a commie or a Soros funded spy front.
And if federal law enforcement does not bother to respond to our obvious journalistic tour de force, we will insinuate that they are corrupt and owned by the left wing. Obviously. They would have to be, because you cannot dispute that our reporting here at the Benches is top notch. I mean, when you put Stop Rush in the same paragraph with a SWATting mention, that’s tantamount to proving a causal link.
But that’s not all that we have: we know that Matt Edelstein, aka Shoq on Twitter aka The Unholy Prince of the Ninth Circle of Hell and the Left Hand Path aka that Jewish fucker in Florida that Brooks hates but cannot have Anti-Semitic grounds for hating because Brooks himself is an ethnic Jew, knows Van Jones, and obviously anyone who knows Van Jones is a terrible person. If you’ve ever sat and watched Van Jones do a televised interview, you might be a neo-Marxist proletarian.
Sources we do not name have reported that Matt likes to brag about how he can pick up the phone to call Van Jones or the head of the OFA. This is clearly evidence that the cabal of leftist kooks goes all the way to White House when it comes to the Stop Rush boycott and the SWATtings, because we have now put the Stop Rush Boycott, the SWATtings, former White House employee Van Jones, and the White House in the same piece. This proves the White House was involved. President Obama is probably the SWATter. Don’t believe us? Make him prove otherwise. Our reporting is impeccable, obviously.
Matt Edelstein does not like his employees or associates to reference George Soros or Saul Alinsky because that makes them look like Soros plants or “nutty.” Good call, Matt.
I will now make inside jokes about Edelstein and how he hates Michelle Malkin and dogs women behind their backs. Ahem…Laffy…
See, when I type an ellipsis, that makes it so much more potent.
I will now report that Matt Edelstein uses plant names and alleges that Matt Edelstein is not Matt Edelstein’s real name, and refer to Krystal Ball as the face dildo sucker to neutralize any attempt to characterize her as a serious commentator. Everyone knows that people who go to private parties cannot be intelligent if they suck a dildo on someone else’s face, because face dildo sucking completely negates anything that a person who sucks face dildos has said, is saying, or ever will say.
I am not juvenile at all. This is serious business we’re up to over at the Benches, and we take our serious business seriously.
I will now reference Gila Jones, who came from Texas oil money and ran for office in California as a Democrat, because rich people who associate with Marxists are golden for sites like mine. It makes a boycott of Rush Limbaugh seem even more nefarious and conspiracy-cy. Again, I will make insinuations that a woman who gets upset with Rush Limbaugh for calling another woman a slut, and suggesting that she record her sex life to pay for birth control, is nothing more than a Marxist bitch. She could not possibly just be pissed off that in the 21st century, a man on the radio is calling women sluts if they want their insurers, whose services they pay for in premiums, to cover items like birth control that they actually use.
Seriously. Anyone who has a problem with Rush Limbaugh and would consider boycotting him for his statements is anti free speech. They hate the First Amendment by expressing their sentiments via exercising the First Amendment with…a boycott.
Never you mind that Rush has a problem with the basic model of insurance, where costs and risks are spread out over a pool. When Rush had back problems due to his enormous potbelly, he asked women in his own insurance pool to share the cost of fixing his back and his subsequent addiction to painkillers, not to mention his rehabilitation. Rush doesn’t see the cognitive dissonance of his argument that women who expect other men in their insurance pool to share the cost of their birth control are nuts and sluts, even as he has passed the buck for his own treatment to women in his insurance pool.
Neither does anyone at the Benches. We support Rush Limbaugh’s First Amendment right to call women who use birth control sluts, and to suggest that they record their sex lives for his gratification in order to raise funds to pay for their birth control, because women who want their birth control paid for in part by their insurance premiums should instead have to choose a life as a pornographic actress to pay for birth control. America, Benches-style.
Something about Soros and Van Jones and SWATting, because we have now gone far off topic. Neo-Marxist proletarians. Constitution good, boycott bad.
Tune in next time for our ground breaking expose on The Women in Neal Rauhauser’s Life. Oh, and at some point we’ll get around to publishing Mandy Nagy’s hacked emails exposing her dark and nefarious collusion with Neal Rauhauser, but we can’t right now because we have our own timeline. We have to focus on Matt Edelstein having a problem with an infiltrator of his Stop Rush boycott, and his 500 sock accounts, because that’s a more relevant story than a Breitbart writer colluding with Neal Rauhauser. Trust us. We report the news that isn’t news better than any other site.
Dooby dooby do, Soros where are you?